Know any good jokes?

There was a poacher in the woods who happened to to have very bad eyesight.
He'd been out all morning trying to shoot wood pigeon.
BANG! s*#t , BANG! f*#k it! missed again.
Just then a priest was passing through the woods.
BANG! oh Jesus f#*king Christ! BANG! ah for Gods sake! missed again.
You know you shouldn't use the Lords name in vain my son. said the priest.
Oh f#*k off bible lover. said the poacher.
I've never been so insulted in all my life and if you continue to use the Lords name in vain I'm sure he will strike you down with a thunder bolt!! said the priest.
I told you to f#*k off you c#*t!! said the poacher.

BANG! Jesus, oh God F#*cking missed again.
Well a huge black cloud swelled in the sky above them.
I told you. said the priest.
It began to really piss down.
I told you!
Then an enormous arc of lightening flew down from the cloud.
BANG!! and with a puff of smoke the priest had gone, his shoes still smoking on the floor.
And a powerful booming voice from the sky said 

F#*k it! missed again.

wahaha! ;D keep 'em coming!

A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt. As he's slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.

The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, "Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!"

The other man says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill."

The drunk says, "Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!"

The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.

Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting up for him.

As soon as she sees him she starts yelling at him, "Look at you! You're a mess, you lousy drunk! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk like this? Who is going to clean that shirt?"

"Look hon, you got it all wrong. Thish guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he givesh me twenty bucks to pay the cleaning bill," the drunk says to her while pointing at his breast pocket.

"Oh really?" she says, "Then what is the other twenty for?"

"Oh, thas from the guy that shit in my pants!"

I tried cracking this joke once...

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

(And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!) :angel:

eto jokes po...paki post na rin yung manga posts nyo...YUNG HINDE PO GALING SA KABILA...kung pwede! hahahaha


Subject: Are They Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

The Salesman:

Salesman to Inday:  Inday, last week sabi ng Amo mo na interesado daw sila sa vacuum cleaner na ito. Paki tanong nga kung kukunin na nila ito?

Inday to Sir: Sir, may salesman nagtatanong kung gusto ba daw ninyo yuong vacuum cleaner.

Sir to Inday: Inday, sabihin mo nalang sa kanya na we’re having second thoughts pa kamin ni Missis about buying the vacuum cleaner.

Inday to Salesman: Ah Mister, bumalik nalang kayo muli. Nag-sesecantot pa daw si sir and si missis…

Ay mali..!

SUKO SA MISTER:

Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago  niroromansa...

Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako …tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.

Actually we already have a 'Jokes' thread here. I've just merged them.

:2funny: :2funny:

I've been on that new gin only diet and it's great......................................................




I've already lost two days this week!

O.K. a mans looking for an exotic pet so he goes to the biggest pet shop he knows.
"what you got here?" he says to the owner
"I got dogs, cats, rabbits, parrots, what do you like?"
" I need something real exotic"
" I tell you what I do have................a millipede!"
" a f*#cking millipede!"
"Its no ordinary millipede, its a hybrid, its 6ft tall!"
"why do I want that!"
" its very intelligent, it can do all ya housework"
"ok I'll take it"
So the guy goes home with his millipede, he gets in and the thing goes straight to sleep!
"hey get up and do my housework" he says
The millipede jumps up and he's like a whirlwind, he's washing dishes with two legs, ironing with one, hes dusting, washing the guys clothes and polishing all at the same time!
In ten minutes its all finished and the millipede goes back to sleep.
"this is great" the guy says and sits down to watch t.v.
A good film comes on so the guy kicks the millipede, " Hey go and get me a pizza and some beer!"
So the millipede jumps up and heads out the door.
Well the film finishes and the millipede still ain't come back and the guy's angry.
Then he hears a shuffling sound outside so he opens the front door, the millipede is there but with no pizza or beer.
"What the f*#k are you doing, where's my stuff"
and the millipede says "I ain't left yet!.........................................






" give me a chance to put my f*#king shoes on!"  ;D

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a white plastic bag?

One's white plastic and dangerous to infants


You put groceries in the other!

mountaineer:  alam mo sinakay ako ng tatay ko sa, ano na pala jim yung tawag sa lumalakad na
                        hagdanan....?

jimili:                ah yun ang tawag dun.... ESKALATOR

mountaineer:  tapos sinakay uli ako sa yung nakatayu ka lang mamaya nasa taas ka na... alam
                        mo ba tawag dun?

jimili:                ah yun..... ELEVATOR
mountaineer: tas meron pa may pinakita ng tatay ko na pag nagkukuwenta ka may lumalabas na
                        numero.... tawag daw yata un ay.... CALCULATOR

jimili:                TEKA.... mountaineer di pa ako sinasakay ng tatay ko jan ah....

      hahaha.... bawi ka na lang jim.... ;D

MRS: Bakit kulang ang sweldo mo???

MR: Kasi, dumaan ako sa beerhouse. Yun P200 binayad ko sa chit ko at yung P300 ibinigay ko sa nagsasayaw, kasi walang damit. Eh, kawawa naman!!!

What has four legs and one arm?






A happy Rott Weiler

Funeral Comments 
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! 

kish... sus horror samet daytoy kulay ti post mo.... kasla nga blooded funeral daytoy.... 

Repost from smallboy:

teacher:  what's your name?

student: i am elmer.

teacher:how old are you?

student: i am elmer. (faraway  blank look in his eyes)

teacher: ok..... :-\  ??? how  long will you stay here?

student: i am elmer.

teacher: OK WHAT IS YOU NAME???? >

student: actually,  my good man, im here on a temporary sorjourn due to the fack that i  wish to enhance my abilities in the field of our current lingua  franaca- english that is- thus  i have taken a temporary hiatus  for my employment so as for me to pursue this  personal objective  of mine.

teacher:( surprised :o) ok so how old are you?

student: i am elmer.....

teacher:!@#@$#%$#$#@$^  > > > >

[b] 1. On a Baguio-Trinidad route. Driver: (upon receiving the fare from the passenger) PAPANAN NA DAYTOY? the answer came "KINYAM". The driver calmed himself. "NAGGAPUAN NA NGAY NGARUD? "KINYAK" I don't know what happened next.

[/b]

[b] In Baguio, there was a time when throwing garbage and littering anywhere was a crime. A first time city visitor threw his cigarette butt along Session road but this was noticed by a policeman. The guy immediately stepped on the litter when he saw the policeman approach him. Pulis: "Apay nga nagibelleng ka ti rongrong ti sigarilyo dita? Guy: "Awan met sir uray kitan yo a." Pulis: (pointing to the guy's foot) "Ingatom man dayta sakam ta kitan ta. The guy readily lifted his foot and no cigarette butt was seen. The policeman suspected tha it was the other foot stepping on the litter so he ordered him to lift it. The guy reasoned out "SIKA MET SIR, NO INGATOK DAYTOY MAYSA NGA HAKAK E DI MATUMBAAK"

[/b]