UNDER A LAMP POST

Lately my realtionship with some of my colleagues has rapidly deteriorated.  Sometimes I dread going to work because I know I fave to face them.  If only I don't need this job so bad.  I have no choice but to put up with them.

I don't blame them entirely.  There must be something in me that triggers the animosity.  Basically it all starts with me, they won't do anything unless I've done something to elicit their attitude towards me.  My defense is that they may have misunderstood me.  I've always been tagged as the heretic.  But whatever the reasons are, I'm not ready to face yet.  I'm content to stand under my lamp post and cry... For now...

During breaks I often find myself all alone in the parking area, the only place where I can get away from all work related emotional pressure even if only for a few moments.  My favorite spot is under this lamp post beside a mango tree.  Often if it's foggy, I love to look up and see the beams of light through a canopy of leaves, like the sunlight breaking through the clouds after a shower.

I already have a name for that lamp post.  I consider it a friend.  The first time I went seeking for solace, it offered me space.  As soon as I got out of the building with tears flowing from my eyes it stood there silently beconning me, offering comfort.  So i ran there and poured my hear out.  Hmmm... Like a lunatic passionately speaking to an inanimate object.  I'd spend 25 minutes there just crying.  After a good cry all heavy thoughts and feelings are washed off.  I'm ready to take another blow.

Ahhh... What would I do with my life without tears.  They say I'm a block of ice, they can poke fun at me, say barely disguised insults thinking it's ok because I don't react at all.  I am blessed with a face that could turn blank, that could lie outright but cursed with a hearrt that bleeds easily.  I might be smiling but deep inside I am dying.  I never was a person who displays emotion.

I remember the quote, the eye is the window to the soul.  I've been hurt so much and too many times to let anyone see through me.  I've learned to hide behind a pair of warm brown eyes.  Ready to smile and empathize.  Eyes that could easily turn into overflowing pool of tears but not in front of anybody.  Eyes could lie to protect a fragile heart...

PANGARAP

Haaay... andito na naman ako sa ilalim ng posteng pinakamamahal ko... Nag-iisa, nagsusulat ng walang katuturan... Parang tanga, nakaupo sa gilid ng driveway, nakatingala sa madilim na kalangitan, nagbabakasakaling makakuha ng inspirasyon upang makasulat ng obra maestra na karapat dapat mabigyang pansin ng mga hurado sa Palanca... Hehehehe...

Nangangarap na naman ng gising kapiling ng kape at yosi na aking naging bisyo mula nang ako'y mapasok sa trabahong ito... Ang nais ko lamang ay makasulat ng akda... hindi ko alam kung para saan o bakit... nais ko lamang sumulat... sumulat ng sumulat... Tungkol sa mga bagay bagay sa aking paligid... mga kalaliman at kababawan ng buhay... hindi kailangang nakakayanig o nakakamangha sa mga mambabasa kundi ang maipahayag lamang ang aking saloobin, tulad ng aking atay at bituka...

Ito na marahil ang pinakawalang kwentang akda na iyong nabasa... Pagpasensyahan mo na at ang may akda ay naloloka... pero salamat na rin at ito'y iyong napagtyagaang basahin... ipagpaumanhin mo at nasayang ko ang ilang mahalagang segundo ng iyong oras... nawa ay mapatawad mo ang pagnakaw ko sa ilang sandali ng iyong buhay...

Dito na po magtatapos ang kahibangan ng akdang ito...

Carpie Diem!!!...

7 MONTH ETERNITY

12:30 A.M. - under a lamp post in the parking area of CL...

Lolz... Here I am standing under a lamp post in the parking area... holding my steno and my shtick of nicotine on my left hand and my ever dependable Mongol 2... I just finished reading a blog about stars...  It suddenly occured to me that the last time I've stayed out for hours in our backyard to gaze and wonder on the beauty of the dark sky with glittering diamonds was 7 months ago... 7 months...  Looking back to the last 7 months of my life is like looking back into eternity...  So much time has passed, so much has changed...  It was a total turnaround for me...  Gone are the days I would lie in bed and onder about life, dreaming of how things would turn out for me, agonizing with guilt for actions that couldn't be undone, mistakes I'd like to create, words my heart long to take back... 7 months, 7 months...

Gone is the lost girl trying to find a spot of her own in this huge small world...  I'm no longer looking for a spot of my own, I just want a life of my own...  In it's place is a determined girl trying to make both ends work, struggling daily to pick up broken bits and pieces to rebuild a shattered life...  In the last 7 months I have committed mistakes, ran into uncompromising situations but braved it all, becoming stronger and gaining wisdom...  I may be naive and dumb but now I am learning, ready to shed the dark glasses that's shading me from looking at the light...  Here I am no longer looking at life's morbidity but at the hope this world has to offer...  That tiny flickering light playing hide and seek that once I capture, nurture in my mind, heart [or hypothalamus] and soul will become a raging fire which I could share with people who are in the darkness where I'd been not only once... Share the warmth that they may feel life that was taken away from them...  I am no philosopher nor a teacher who can teach them but through example they may learn... 7 months... Others has taken longer than 7 months but they succeeded in capturing that flickering light of hope...  The last 7 months may be eternity to me, but an eternity I will forever treasure...

Holy cow!

intense. gush, just let it out. it's the same old thing we social pariahs must go through in this absurdity called life. some lesson i learned: if people are pulling you down, that means you're above them. i just try to shrugged it off, anyway, how much do people know me. coz when i always try to get my point accross the majority, it's like decribing the color blue to a blind person, so it's useless. it's comforting enough for me to know that i have myself to turn to when the world turns it back on me.

while you're at it, you might want to listen to this song. watch the music video at youtube.com. it's a good one, it's something i bet you can relate to. 

THE MIDDLE

by: Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

was just reminded of my journals that i have been writing during the past years (had to throw some of them for some reasons...). dark thoughts, happy memories, frustrations,  clippings from papers that I enjoyed and annoyed me... it's just feels good to pour out your feelings, especially since you need not explain yourself. somehow I miss those days that the pen is gliding over the paper... i dunno why life always get that complicated.  ???

why throw them away?  :-[ give them to me... the only outlet for my frustrations, my happiness is through my blog... often when I'm not doing anything i'd get my pen and paper and sit down and let my inner me flow through the lead of my pencil... i think most who read my blog could not fathom the depths of my writings, i'm really not that eloquent but what the heck... when i go back and read it i see a mirror of myself talking back to me... my most trusted company is myself...

already have a name for that lamp post.  I consider it a friend.  The first time I went seeking for solace, it offered me space. ...


If I were you, don't dwell on it.,,, entertain yourself... find a hobby.... or a friend.... or plug a walkman.. read a book... watch tv movies.. go out and hangout with others...

carelessness and impulsive decision... yeah, agree with you. wish i hadn't done that...

how bout finding a hubby.... 

i don't stay with my lamp post naman all day noh... only on my breaks... i have my friends but no close  friends in the office... and in my current team? it's me against the Jaguar...



looking back those meant something to you at that point in your life... what a shame to throw it away... but if it helped somehow why not... ako kasi i'm a packrat... i still have my firsts... my first scrapbook, barkada pic... i even have the butt of my first yosi... i'm very sentimental... hayz... obsessive pa ata...

haha! i can relate with that. I have my box (it's actually a shoe box) that I call my "baul". contains things of all sorts, things collected as the years pass by... hehehe! need to change it to a bigger one, things would not fit on it na eh.  papers, entrace tickets, notes, index cards, brochures, greeting cards, photos, ID cards, journals, and other chenelyns... hope there's nothing sticky and slimy. haha!  ;D

sticky and slimy eh? hmmmm... i wonder what sticky and slimy thing i can keep...  ;D

chuvaness! ahehehehe!  ^-^ ^-^ ^-^

WHAT  AN  INTELIIGENT  SENTI  TIMES  GUYS...... O0 O0

wehehehe! think we need not do that. unless you have something in mind...  :

I might think of something... nyihihihi... 

i'm imagining two of my colleagues here blurting the expression "eeeeewwwww!"  ;D and they just did!  :2funny:

wehehehe... meaning they were able to think of a sticky and slimy thing... hmmm... nauna pa cla saken...  :tickedoff: :tickedoff:

I was on my way to work when the tax driver played Jon Bon Jovi songs... suddenly I found myself singing with him and the memories drowned me. I was surprised with myself coz somehow I still know the lyrics.  In fact, I dont even want to get out of the taxi coz I want to listen to all the songs and go back to my childhood days...

It was my brother who introduced me to Bon Jovi ( and Axl rose, which is another story hehehe ) ... Those were the days... we had fun with bon jovi. Every Saturday, it is our job to clean the house. He will play his bon jovi collection so loud that our neighbors will take a second look if there is a party in our house. We shouted with bon jovi  hehehe... Sometimes we also fight over ' never say goodbye and it's my life' . Why? because I was reviewing and he keeps on playing it.

and then...

We all grew up. Bon Jovi is merely a cassette tape and cd in one corner...

As we pass through Loakan Rd, I realized how I miss my brother. Time flew so fast. It was only yesterday when we used to fight who will wash the dishes...

Now, I rarely see him. We're both grown up and have our own things to do...

I am so proud of my brother.

When he got his first job, he gave me 500 bucks! deym I was so happy then that I kept the money for how many months. I felt so bad when I have to use it to buy a reviewer.  And when I was not able to get that ever coveted lisence, he was more than willing to send me to nursing school hehehe... This time, I have to refuse it. I am too much for him.

... I never liked bon jovi but his songs reminded me of the person I have always looked up to...

' it's my life, it's now or never... Im gonna live forever. I just want to live while Im alive! It's my life!!!'

Speaking of Bon Jovi (which i'm not a fan of)...


I have always wanted to be the Saturday Night...(hey man i'm alive and i'm taking each day and night at a time-saturday night by bon jovi) but it really is impossible when you're stuck in a rat race that is virtually going nowhere.

3 years ago, I was the kid who couldn't get a date (or a hooker) on a Saturday night and spent most of his time wallowing in disdain over jocks, rocstar posers, californian and canadian bands and people in general, planning on a diabolic scheme to wipe the humanity out and to outdo the Columbine bastards.

I kicked the World...i kicked it hard.

Then the World kicked back...a lot fucking harder.

On a recent Saturday night, I was laughing at myself, at the articles I posted in my blog. I don't know what change means but i feel like i'm coming to terms with it.

Then the World turns its back...

Then I turned my back on the world